From the time Trump’s tweets disappeared to David Davis’s Brexit diary: satirists take on the news

What happened that time Trump disappeared from Twitter? Only Joe Lycett knows

On 3 November 2017, President Donald J Trump’s Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes. For those moments, the world had no idea what he was thinking or feeling or watching on Fox.

Until now: a Russian hacker I once matched with on Bumble has acquired the president’s emails sent during that time. They are reproduced, exclusively for the Guardian and in full, here.

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly, White House chief of staff

Subject: DO I EXIST??

What is it to exist, John? Am I just the sum of my senses? Am I merely what people say I am? Or is there more to existence than just space and time? Could it be that there is another dimension? I am pondering these questions, and I trust you have the answers.

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: DO I EXIST??

Have you had your nap today Donald?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

No I have not had my nap you SAD LITTLE MAN, and I will tell you for why. Because I am ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!!!1 Why???? Why don’t you search my name on Twitter you IDIOT DOG? Actually don’t bother. I’ll tell you what it says!! It says “Sorry, that page doesn’t exist!

I ask again John you WEIRDO: DO I EXIST???

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

OK give me a minute I’ll call Twitter HQ.

J

From: POTUS

To: Christopher Wray, director of FBI

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: POTUS

To: Barack Obama

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Subject: TWITTER!!!!!!1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS!!!!1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG PLAN A GREAT PLAN!!!!

President Donald J Trump

From: Kim Jong-un

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: TWITTER!!!!!!1

Yeh I did it and so what stupid fat man???? Lol

From: POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Subject: Re: Re: TWITTER!!!!!!1

DON’T CALL ME FAT!!!!1111

From: FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Very frightened

Donald I am very scared they are saying you do not exist? Mxxx

From: POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Subject: Re: Very frightened

Melanie, I DO exist! DO NOT FORGET ME!!! Kim Jong-un did it!!! I think the bosses at Twitter are sorting it. Nice guys! Can I use your account for a bit???

President Donald J Trump

From: FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Very frightened

No Donald, not again I lost too many followers last time. Why do you call me Melanie? Are you having an affair Donald? Mx

From: POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Very frightened

AUTO CORRECT BABE!!!1

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

They’re on it. Apparently a prank by a rogue employee on their last day.

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Yes yes how long John? How long can I live in this PATHETIC PIT OF BOREDOM? Melania is petrified and I have a GREAT tweet about Crooked Hillary. How can I be SILENCED and yet CNN still be allowed to SPOUT LIES???

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Any minute now Mr President. What’s the tweet?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Don’t you DARE tell me how to use words John. I have THE BEST WORDS. NUCLEAR HORSESHOE!!! AMBIDEXTROUS BARNYARD!!!!!

The tweet is “Crooked Hillary should stop WHINING like a SAD GRASSHOPPER. We won!!!! Go and cry on Bill’s shoulder you HAIRY CANDLE!!!”

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

OK. Your Twitter is back online. Love the hairy candle tweet but maybe save it for later and do a statement about the rogue employee?

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

It’s asking me to log in do you know what my pw is? Do the Russians know??? ASK THE RUSSIANS JOHN!!!!11

President Donald J Trump

From: John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Your login is @realdonaldtrump and your pass is thispasswordisthebestpassword123.

J

From: POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST??

Thank you John you are a good guy. I’ve always said that. I CALL THE SHOTS THOUGH!!! No calls for the next 30 minutes I’m having my nap. Nighty bless.

President Donald J Trump

***

Gráinne Maguire gets a peek at deleted chapters from Ivanka Trump’s manual for working women

Ivanka Trump



Photographs: Reuters, Alamy, AP, PA

In May, Ivanka Trump released a guide for women in the workplace, Women Who Work. Finally, after huge public demand, Wikileaks has released the chapters cut from the final edition.

1. Get your promotion

Say you’re a busy single mom working in McDonald’s and you don’t feel your skills are being utilized. I hear you, sister! I’m just like you. Architect your best life going forward. Get a mentor! Go for a coffee with Richard Branson, it doesn’t have to be as formal as a dinner; you’re both busy people. If Richard is out of town, see if Anna Wintour is free for a game of tennis. Yes, she doesn’t work in your field but maybe she has the insight that could stimulate the next idea. Then arrange your meeting with your boss and tell Mr McDonald’s why you deserve that raise. If he refuses, just smile and get your dad to fire him.

Inspo: “Design a life that honours you!” Queen Elizabeth The First

2. How to influence policy

A lot of people think making a stand means actually saying words out of your mouth. Not so. Think like Taylor Swift, she’s a feminist but in a way that manages to reassure people who love women and people who hate women, too. That’s winning. Say your boss has decided women in your office shouldn’t be allowed health insurance, maternity pay or access to inside toilets. That’s an opportunity! Offer to speak to your boss, but just use the time to sort out who is going where for Christmas and laugh about what a freaking mess your sister Tiffany is. Then leave and say your boss is really listening to women. You’re a woman and he listened to you. Just don’t let on about your secret private toilet because women are so horrible to the pretty girls, right? Nevertheless she persisted.

Inspo: “What is the blueprint to your happiness strategy going forward?” Cleopatra

3. How to check if your
stepmother is a robot

Sometimes stepmoms can be hard to read: is she a mom, a sister or a cyborg programmed by the CIA because your real stepmom has scaled the gates again? The key is sudden loud noises, tickling behind her knee or suddenly shouting, “Dad isn’t breathing!” If “Mom” doesn’t react, let the nearest special agent know it’s a “bot” day. If she starts shrieking with joy, then angrily cursing you in Slovenian, it’s just a regular stepmom moment. Every day a woman inspires me.

Inspo: “If You Can’t Handle Me At My Best You Don’t Deserve Me At My Worst!” The Snow Queen

4. How to put the cool in complicit

Sometimes it’s hard to pick the right outfit that says, sure, I’m using the white blond conventional good looks society has trained us to associate with moral virtue to normalize the race war, but how can I still have fun with it? It can be tricky. You want an outfit that says by day, “I’m reassuring people it’s OK to blame Muslims for the banking crisis” but at night reads more, “I’m a hoot at dinner parties.” Luckily my fashion range bridges both those challenges – they’re sexy enough to guarantee a wolf-whistle from your dad but they’ve been made in China, so there’s the reassurance that a foreigner has suffered making it. Listen to women.

Inspo: “Sometimes you have to throw a tiara on and remind them who they are dealing with.” Margaret Thatcher

5. Emergency impeachment kit

We all worry we might have to flee at short notice, right? I keep a handy Ivanka Trump Diplomatic Immunity Suitcase under my bed at all times. You’ll just need your passport, a Russian phrasebook and cyanide capsules. Also, scented candles.

Inspo: “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!” Marie Antoinette

6. Self-care

As women we are always too hard on ourselves. We all have bad moments! You know when your kids can’t sleep, your husband’s night screams are keeping you awake and you can’t shake off that vague sense of gnawing, corroding guilt? You want to sleep but every time you close your eyes you see your younger self pointing at you and shouting, “Shame!” and then everyone is pointing and shouting at you as you get bundled into a car by the FBI? I find crystals, lavender and listening to Disney songs on repeat at full volume helps, because it reminds you: you are a princess and everything is going to be just fine.

Inspo: “She believed she could, so she did.” Joan of Arc

Gráinne Maguire hosts a podcast, What Has The News Ever Done For Me?, available now on iTunes

***

The diary of David Davis, aged 69 years and one week

David Davis



Photographs: Rex/Shutterstock, PA Images, LNP

What’s the Brexit secretary been up to? Nish Kumar has the scoop

The Guardian has obtained a copy of what appears to be Brexit secretary David Davis’s personal diary from 2017, found on a bench outside the Tunbridge Wells branch of SuperSquad Paintball.

1 January 2017
Happy New Year, DD.

Spent NYE with the guys from my Andy McNab book group. Got a pounding hangover. I feel like I’ve got a Boeing AH-64 Apache helicopter hovering inside my skull. In spite of that, really looking forward to showing Brexit who’s boss (me).

Yours drunkenly, DD

29 March
Morning, DD.

The PM triggered article 50 today, and there’s some chat in the office about how I should “spend more time at work and less time on the climbing wall in my shed”. I tell them to pipe down, and that the climbing wall is where I do my best thinking. (After all, that’s where I came up with the idea of having T-shirts for ladies to wear that say “It’s DD for me” across the boobs.) So I think it’s pretty clear I’m not going to solve Brexit sat behind a desk. I’m going to solve it by getting my climb on.

Yours at altitude, DD

9 June
The morning after the election. Theresa’s had a shocker. Sending her a pick-me-up present. A “Keep Calm and Carry On” mug and an “It’s DD for me” T-shirt should suffice.

25 June
What-ho, DD!

Just had to do an interview with the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation (lol). They were asking about our Brexit reports – I fobbed them off nicely. “We’ve got 50, nearly 60 sectoral analyses already done,” I said.

Took the rest of the afternoon off to have a good old climb.

Yours muscularly, DD

17 July
Bonjour, DD (obviously this is ironic; we both know I don’t approve of French in any way, be it the language, the people or the toast).

Turned up at the EU for a conflab with the pencil pushers of Brussels. I walk into the room and give it my classic greeting: “Achtung Eurowankers – it’s double DD.” True to form, the absolute squares had turned up with piles of notes. I had nothing, like a legend. Just flashed the pearly whites for a quick photo op that the papers lapped up. I pretended to pay attention for a couple of hours and then left to sink a few strong Belgian lagers. When in Rome (Brussels) and all that.

Au revoir (see above), DD

26 October
Hey, DD,

More questions about the impact reports. I brilliantly bought us more time by saying they had “excruciating detail”. In reality, I’ve just got a piece of paper that says “Brexit?” on it, and then some ideas for possible SAS codenames for yours truly. Current fave – the Silver Cobra.

Yours anonymously, the SC

6 December
Bad day. Had to fess up that we haven’t so much “done” the reports as we have “not started”. Copping some serious flak in the press for it. Might have to start doing some work. Been walking around the office, quipping that, “I’ve worked so hard pretending to work that the real thing will be easy”, and everyone was loving that comment, silently.

7 December
To be absolutely fair, the EU’s Wikipedia page is very informative.

11 December
Been riffing out some absolute gold in interviews in the last couple of days. My Territorial SAS training has really helped, especially the stuff about staying composed under pressure and how to do up your tie nicely. Got a question about a future trade deal with the EU, and I’ve said we want “Canada plus plus plus”. This basically means it’ll be the same, but it’ll be written in ALL CAPS and in a way better font.

Then clarified the stuff about the impact reports by saying we don’t need them, and dropped this pearl: “When you know those things, you know what you need to know.” I think I’ve got my next T-shirt slogan. As long as I can work in something about tits.

12 December
Getting some blowback after saying the agreement was a “statement of intent” and not legally enforceable. Guy Verhofstadt has got his Euro-knickers in an almighty twist and is getting harsh. Normally I would admire the no-nonsense vibe of a man quite literally called “Guy”, but this bloke is absolutely doing my head in.

14 December
One of the lads from the McNab book group suggested an afternoon of paintballing. And I needed it, I’ve been working upwards of three hours per day and DD is DDrained. This is what I need to clear my mind. I’m going to be a more considered and detail-oriented DD. Nothing is going to escape my attention.

That is the final entry. The diary was found among full printouts of the Wikipedia pages for Brexit and article 50, as well as a hand-drawn comic entitled The Silver Cobra.

Nish Kumar hosts The Mash Report, which is back on BBC2 on 18 January at 10pm.

***

Amber Rudd’s election night in 10 text messages

As leaked to Ayesha Hazarika

Amber Rudd



‘C’mon Rudders… get a grip… you’re better than this.’ Photograph: Kevin Coombs/Reuters

00:21 to: Bestie

I cannot BELIEVE this. Two recounts??? I’ve just done some terrible interview with the BBC where I look like I’m about to lose it. Is it all over Twitter? What was I thinking of with that stripy jacket?

00:22 to: Bestie

How long before Quentin Letts calls me the love child of Tootsie and Bertie Bassett? Twat. D’you remember when he said I looked like Dustin Hoffman after the sodding election debate Theresa May forced me to do?

00:23 to: Evil twins

Hi Nick and Fi. Please call me. I haven’t heard a peep from Theresa or you guys? You did make me do that debate remember?

00:24 to: Evil twins

This is all your fault anyway. If you hadn’t put Theresa in a witness protection scheme, none of this would have happened. Snap election. I know what I’d like to snap.

00:26 To: Lynton Crosby

Hey Lynton. Long time, no speak. Left you a few messages since we spoke about the leadership thing. We should hook up again. I’m free now. Just waiting for my recount. I’m totally going to be OK.

00:27 to: Me

C’mon Rudders… get a grip… you’re better than this.

00:28 to: Bestie

Do you think I could go back into film? Remember Four Weddings? … I was so good at co-ordinating all the aristocrats. That’s why I’d be a shamazing Tory leader. If only Hugh Grant was PM!!

00:29 to: Constituency office

Why did I EVER want to represent this hellhole? I only went for Hastings because I wanted to be within two hours of London. What is “and Rye” anyway?

00:36 to: Bestie

Oh. My. God. 346 votes! That’s not a victory, that’s a prison sentence. How can I mount my leadership bid now? Bet Ruth D is loving this. She’ll be down here looking for a seat before you can say Barnett formula. I need some of whatever Emily Thornberry’s on.

00:38 to: Constituency office

Ignore last message. I am of course delighted to continue to serve the fine people of Hastings and Rye? (pls check), congratulate Theresa May and thank her for her strong and stable leadership. Issue that last bit to the press ASAP.

Want to respond to this piece? To be considered for inclusion on Weekend magazine’s letters page in print, please email weekend@theguardian.com, including your name and address (not for publication).

‘We did manage a blissful break in Wales’: Philip and Theresa May’s round robin

Dear friends,

Goodness what a year! Theresa has made it very clear that we can’t go into excruciating detail, in case it reaches the “oreilles” of a certain Monsieur Jean-Claude, but to share just a summary outcome, she started 2017 with a super visit to the US, then defied expectations with a splendid election victory, and finished with a stunning success in Brussels! Just in time for a well-earned break which we’ll spend relaxing with Mr Attenborough, after whatever feast our resident star chef is planning (Philip’s hoping it won’t involve too much washing-up!). Alas the cricket hasn’t been quite the triumph everyone wanted, but the Aussies will no doubt be relieved to hear that Theresa’s miracle-working is of the strictly political variety!

Most memorable moments? Frankly it’s hard to choose! That first crunchy crisp after we gave them up for Lent? Philip’s was plain, Theresa made it very clear she’d prefer cheese and onion. And like everyone privileged to be present in Manchester, Philip was left reeling by the most talked-about speech in conference history – is it just us or have we been hearing a bit less about roaring lions recently? Little did anyone guess that, a brief eight months after triggering article 50, Theresa would again do the impossible, striking a historic Brexit deal that, at a very reasonable £45 – or so – billion, left Monsieur Barnier & co looking just a tiny bit worried! We’ll certainly be exchanging a wry smile next time the vicar takes as his text “oh ye of little faith”!

Sartorial note from Philip: it’s really rather nice when your brilliant other half appears in Vogue, looking quite exceptionally fabulous! Perhaps you spotted that we went for quite a dramatic new look, darker tones in the LK Bennett dress and coat, accentuated by a striking upswept “do”? Not an everyday style, but Vogue isn’t everyday either, for us mere mortals, and the interview was super, though we were disappointed that “Brexit means Brexit” did not appear even once! Theresa says she must have said it a million times, though it was technically closer to 43.

We had much better luck with “strong and stable government”, mentioned 1,024 times by Theresa alone, in a super election campaign that showed off what friends know as her fun, “wheat field” side, as well as her integrity and tremendous willingness to listen. Philip has never been more impressed by Theresa’s leadership than when she delivered a bold manifesto pledge then did what they said was impossible – decisively scrapped it within four days. Stylewise, it seemed right to let the embellished shoe do most of the heavy lifting.

So, all in all, a truly memorable first-time election and a super learning experience – following which we wish Fiona and Nick all the luck for the future, we’re only sorry there wasn’t time for the sort of send-off they both deserved!

But that sums up our lives these days: “hectic” would be an understatement, though we did manage a blissful break in Wales – without that clear mountain air “Team May” might never have realised that a snap election was, after all, essential for the strong and stable government the country needs. Later, Italy’s beautiful Lake Garda, with its stable waters reflecting the strong peaks above, seemed silently to applaud our decision. Before too long we hope to roam “the emerald isle” with Arlene and Brian, a super couple who’ve been an absolute rock these last months. Theresa wants to make it very clear how much we look forward to welcoming another wonderful new friend, Mr Trump, and to his staying, owing to the steep stairs at No 10, with Her Majesty the Queen.

On a sadder note, those who remember Theresa’s former colleague, George Osborne, will be sorry to hear of his rapid decline on, we understand, a local evening paper. Both of us pray for a time when he can come to terms with his political failure instead of embarrassing himself on a daily basis. Our hearts also go out, this Christmastide, to David Cameron, last heard of living in a hut. Do join us, as we celebrate another outstanding year, in raising a glass to the “left behind”.

A super Christmas and a strong and stable new year to you all,

Theresa and Philip

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